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Here, you'll find my writing as well as suggested reading and media.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
One of my favorite things about being a therapist is the wide variety of people that come to work with me. Every one of my clients has a unique history and fascinating perspective, shaped by a life unlike any other. Some come in looking for help with their depression or anxiety, others want to explore their work dissatisfaction or identity in relationships. Some folks simply want a companion as they delve into deep shadow work. Yet despite all these variations in human experience, it’s clear that they all come to therapy with the same, basic goal: to change themselves and find freedom from pain.
As a therapist and fellow human being, I can empathize. And how I wish I had the magic key to make all that pain go away. The hardest thing about being a therapist is having to tell people that I can’t control or change their pain. An even harder sell is getting folks to believe that true freedom comes when we stop trying to change our pain. This might seem really counter-intuitive so let me explain. My work is deeply influenced by Buddhism, and therefore I embrace a seemingly dismal idea: I believe that existence is pain. Not very comforting at first glance, I know. And yet, there’s hope- because Buddhism teaches that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. According to Buddha, pain is inevitable— this is in large part because life is filled with things we cannot control. Change is the only constant, which means that loss and endings are constant. Take that in for a moment. We exist in a constant flow of change. With each passing moment, even now as you read this sentence, you’re aging just a little bit more. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it. We exist in a flow of change that we have no real control over. Learning to live in acceptance of this reality is a very difficult spiritual undertaking. Of course it’s painful to say goodbye, to watch your body age, to move away from a beloved home, to break up. Even watching a supposedly “positive” change– a loved one graduate or get married, can bring bittersweetness. It can be excruciating to watch anyone or anything- any chapter of life- come to a close. To accept that all things end means accepting that you, too, will someday end. Buddhists refer to this kind of pain, the inevitable pain of existence, as “the first arrow”. But hang on, because here comes the “second arrow”- suffering. Suffering is what occurs when we react to our pain rather than allowing it. These “second arrows,” are attempts to control the reality of ever flowing change. And wow do these actions cause a lot of problems. When we respond to pain through instinct alone, we tend to create more suffering. Instinct tells us that pain equals danger, so naturally, we’re afraid of it! That makes sense when we talk about sharp objects or burst appendices… but here’s the thing: emotional pain can seem just as threatening to a person as physical pain. I don’t have room in this article to get into it, but if you’re curious about the developmental reasons behind this frustrating facet of the human experience, contact me and I'll be happy to answer any questions! When get the message that there’s danger, we try to control it– either by warping our inner world or exerting control over our outer reality. This is not the same thing as trying to change for the better, by the way. When we make conscious effort to shift and grow, we do so with plenty of self-awareness and intention. There is acceptance and usually some level of calm and rational thinking involved in this way of moving through life. When we’re trying to change so that we can get away from something uncomfortable, we’re acting out of instinct and fear. In this mindset, we can act in harmful ways and then make up reasons or justifications for our actions (“I deserve junk food because I had a hard day!”). We tell ourselves stories about what happened, about our worth (“She left because I’m a piece of shit and always will be a piece of shit”). We ignore difficult truths or invent unsolvable problems that can keep us distracted. We strategize and plot and get hyper focused on a goal post that’s always just a little out of reach. Our inner critic goes beserk. Or we go the other way and put on the blinders, just try not to think too hard- YOLO, am I right? We end up with a busy and anxious mind. Sometimes our mental landscape gets so wound up it needs to shut down and life gets gray and dull or we start dragging for a while. In fact, Buddhists refer to a cluttered, confused, restless mind as “monkey mind.” Buddhism strives to help humanity shift from the background chatter of a monkey mind into a quiet, peaceful mind. A “human mind”, if you will. In this place of human mind, we can be honest with ourselves without shame, make rational and compassionate decisions about life and relationships, and take genuine care of ourselves and one another. In this calm, uncluttered reality we can see and feel ourselves clearly. We can understand what we need. And luckily, most of us are a little more complex than your average monkey- we can recognize that reactionary responses to life often lead to more suffering. We can learn to choose better ways of responding that generate peace, love and joy. Therapy, creative practices and mindfulness are some of the ways we can begin to build awareness of all the ways that sneaky monkey jumps into the drivers seat and takes over. We can get to know what triggers set us off, what needs and feelings are motivating us. We can even learn how to communicate with that crazy ol’ monkey and help it feel safe again. Self-inquiry and exploration can help us learn to witness ourselves, tolerate and allow for the pain of an ever changing reality. When we can be honest with ourselves and stop fighting the very natural pain of existence, we can give ourselves compassion and true care. We can step out of the fearful, busy, confusing chatter of monkey mind into an open, calm, spacious sense of acceptance. We can finally understand what we really want and need. Getting to know and soothe the monkey allows you to enjoy simply being. And to me, that’s true freedom. So take a moment and consider what your monkey mind is like. What kinds of strategies are you using to avoid, control or ignore the feeling of being out of control? Where are the second arrows of your mind tripping you up- and are you ready for something different?
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Manifest your dreams
Everything happens for a reason Good vibes only Focus on the positive I see these messages on TikTok and Instagram all the time. And, while these may appear to be positive sentiments, they are anything but helpful. This kind of messaging is touted as ‘mental health content’, but I’d argue that this advice alone promotes a kind of toxic positivity— creating shame and fear of naturally occurring feelings– and is a perfect recipe for the kind of suffering we’re trying to minimize. But what’s wrong with staying positive? Not a thing! There are many benefits to positive thinking. We all need a pep talk from time to time and gratitude lists are an empirically proven method for managing anxiety. There are countless studies that show us that positive thinking/parenting/coaching can be super helpful! But there’s a big difference between taking care of yourself with optimism and forcing yourself to “stay positive”. So where does positivity become toxic? Let’s start with the obvious: it’s not realistic to be happy all the time. Expecting yourself to be able to maintain an upbeat and productive mindset at all times is an unfair standard- one that you are sure to fail at. After all, painful feelings are a part of life. We can’t change this reality– no matter how much we ignore or deny it. But toxic positivity will deny this reality and then blame you for not living up to unrealistic standards! Toxic positivity content operates on the assumption that if you aren’t counting your blessings or manifesting your ideal reality, then you’ve somehow blown it. Your hurt or exhaustion is your own fault. As if any feeling that falls outside of “happy” or “grinding” is wrong. You see, toxic positivity isn’t actually positive. It’s shaming. Instead of creating a healthy relationship with ourselves and our reality, toxic positivity encourages us to regard our feelings from a moralistic perspective: there are right feelings and wrong feelings. And if you are feeling “wrong” feelings, then you have done something bad. And this sets you up to enter a self-reinforcing cycle of shame and fear, imbalance and dissatisfaction. Rather than creating a genuine happiness in your life, shame has a tendency to amplify self-loathing, overwhelm and feelings of isolation or worthlessness. Toxic positivity is a tricky one– it shames you into avoiding your feelings and glosses over them with a shiny plastic veneer… which only increases distress! What a vicious cycle. But even if you can somehow manage to maintain a non-stop happy mood, this actually is pretty dangerous stuff. Because if you’re using positivity to suppress your negative experiences, you will be missing important information about what your system needs. Western culture pathologizes difficult feelings like sorrow or anger and pedestalizes control and domination over our natural world- ourselves included. But the realm of feelings often communicates our deepest and most instinctual needs. Becoming attuned to these instinctual and emotional needs is, in this day and age, a radical act. Despite what pop culture and capitalism would have you believe, you are not a product in need of optimization or perfecting. Subscribing to this mindset will set you up to always fail because its very premise is false. You are a beautiful, complex part of the ecosystem. Not just your material body- but your mind, too. And like nature, some parts of your inner world might be gross or ugly. Pond scum ain’t too nice to look at. But it serves a purpose. So, too, do difficult thoughts and feelings. Let’s use hunger to illustrate this point. Hunger doesn’t feel good– and most of us don’t enjoy the sensation of hunger. We don’t want to be hungry, but we recognize that hunger is a signal letting us know what we need. If we ignore our body’s messaging and pretend we aren’t feeling hungry, our need for food doesn’t just disappear. In fact, by ignoring the sensation of hunger we are denying ourselves something vital. Clear off the pond scum and the ecosystem gets out of whack. Emotional needs work similarly. So, consider this: what if the best way to effectively manage your feelings isn’t by suppressing them, staying positive, optimizing? What if your only required task is to listen to yourself with care and kindness? But how? And how to turn towards difficult feelings without totally flooding yourself? Self-compassion practices are a great way to begin developing a loving and regulated relationship to your feelings. Below, you’ll find one of my favorite step-by-step practices for checking in and gently unpacking what a feeling is trying to communicate. Therapy is another healthy place to learn how to listen to your feelings without becoming flooded by them. After all, some of us resort to shaming and self-avoidance because we’re so afraid of the tidal wave that could come if we let just a trickle of feeling in. True well being doesn’t come from shaming yourself out of feeling sad or angry. Well being comes when we recognize that you are worthy and valuable, even when you’re not happy or positive. That begins with you and the way you treat yourself when you’re in distress: with cruelty and self-denial or with compassion? Try to remember that you weren’t designed by nature to be constantly happy or positive. So it’s ok- you’re off the hook. You don’t need to just be sunshine. Let it rain once in a while- and remember that it’s trying to tell you something. – One of my favorite mindfulness-based strategies is the RAIN method, brought to you by the fantastic Dr. Tara Brach. Please feel free to reach out and connect with me if you have any inquiries. RAIN Method This practice is an acronym that you can call on when you’re feeling distressed and want to return to a sense of safety. Please move through this process gently and with a lot of kindness for yourself. If possible, try to hear these words with the loving voice of self-compassion. R—Recognize What’s Going On Recognizing means consciously acknowledging, in any given moment, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are affecting you. This can be a done with a simple mental whisper, noting what you are most aware of. A—Allow the Experience to be There, Just as It Is Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations you have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything. You might recognize fear, and allow by mentally whispering “it’s ok” or “this belongs” or “yes.” Allowing creates a pause that makes it possible to deepen attention. I—Investigate with Interest and Care To investigate, call on your natural curiosity—the desire to know truth—and direct a more focused attention to your present experience. You might ask yourself: What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing? What does this vulnerable place want from me? What does it most need? Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualizing and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body. N—Nurture with Self-Compassion Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that you recognize you are suffering. It comes into fullness as you intentionally nurture your inner life with self-care. To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love? Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you. I’m sorry, and I love you. I love you, and I’m listening. It’s not your fault. Trust in your goodness. In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek; or by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. If it feels difficult to offer yourself love, bring to mind a loving being—spiritual figure, family member, friend or pet—and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you. After the RAIN When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to notice the quality of your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness. Resource: Guided Meditation – The Practice of RAIN Copyright © 2020 by Tara Brach, Ph.D. |
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