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Enjoy!
Enjoy!
One of my favorite things about being a therapist is the wide variety of people that come to work with me. Every one of my clients has a unique history and fascinating perspective, shaped by a life unlike any other. Some come in looking for help with their depression or anxiety, others want to explore their work dissatisfaction or identity in relationships. Some folks simply want a companion as they delve into deep shadow work. Yet despite all these variations in human experience, it’s clear that they all come to therapy with the same, basic goal: to change themselves and find freedom from pain.
As a therapist and fellow human being, I can empathize. And how I wish I had the magic key to make all that pain go away. The hardest thing about being a therapist is having to tell people that I can’t control or change their pain. An even harder sell is getting folks to believe that true freedom comes when we stop trying to change our pain. This might seem really counter-intuitive so let me explain. My work is deeply influenced by Buddhism, and therefore I embrace a seemingly dismal idea: I believe that existence is pain. Not very comforting at first glance, I know. And yet, there’s hope- because Buddhism teaches that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. According to Buddha, pain is inevitable— this is in large part because life is filled with things we cannot control. Change is the only constant, which means that loss and endings are constant. Take that in for a moment. We exist in a constant flow of change. With each passing moment, even now as you read this sentence, you’re aging just a little bit more. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it. We exist in a flow of change that we have no real control over. Learning to live in acceptance of this reality is a very difficult spiritual undertaking. Of course it’s painful to say goodbye, to watch your body age, to move away from a beloved home, to break up. Even watching a supposedly “positive” change– a loved one graduate or get married, can bring bittersweetness. It can be excruciating to watch anyone or anything- any chapter of life- come to a close. To accept that all things end means accepting that you, too, will someday end. Buddhists refer to this kind of pain, the inevitable pain of existence, as “the first arrow”. But hang on, because here comes the “second arrow”- suffering. Suffering is what occurs when we react to our pain rather than allowing it. These “second arrows,” are attempts to control the reality of ever flowing change. And wow do these actions cause a lot of problems. When we respond to pain through instinct alone, we tend to create more suffering. Instinct tells us that pain equals danger, so naturally, we’re afraid of it! That makes sense when we talk about sharp objects or burst appendices… but here’s the thing: emotional pain can seem just as threatening to a person as physical pain. I don’t have room in this article to get into it, but if you’re curious about the developmental reasons behind this frustrating facet of the human experience, contact me and I'll be happy to answer any questions! When get the message that there’s danger, we try to control it– either by warping our inner world or exerting control over our outer reality. This is not the same thing as trying to change for the better, by the way. When we make conscious effort to shift and grow, we do so with plenty of self-awareness and intention. There is acceptance and usually some level of calm and rational thinking involved in this way of moving through life. When we’re trying to change so that we can get away from something uncomfortable, we’re acting out of instinct and fear. In this mindset, we can act in harmful ways and then make up reasons or justifications for our actions (“I deserve junk food because I had a hard day!”). We tell ourselves stories about what happened, about our worth (“She left because I’m a piece of shit and always will be a piece of shit”). We ignore difficult truths or invent unsolvable problems that can keep us distracted. We strategize and plot and get hyper focused on a goal post that’s always just a little out of reach. Our inner critic goes beserk. Or we go the other way and put on the blinders, just try not to think too hard- YOLO, am I right? We end up with a busy and anxious mind. Sometimes our mental landscape gets so wound up it needs to shut down and life gets gray and dull or we start dragging for a while. In fact, Buddhists refer to a cluttered, confused, restless mind as “monkey mind.” Buddhism strives to help humanity shift from the background chatter of a monkey mind into a quiet, peaceful mind. A “human mind”, if you will. In this place of human mind, we can be honest with ourselves without shame, make rational and compassionate decisions about life and relationships, and take genuine care of ourselves and one another. In this calm, uncluttered reality we can see and feel ourselves clearly. We can understand what we need. And luckily, most of us are a little more complex than your average monkey- we can recognize that reactionary responses to life often lead to more suffering. We can learn to choose better ways of responding that generate peace, love and joy. Therapy, creative practices and mindfulness are some of the ways we can begin to build awareness of all the ways that sneaky monkey jumps into the drivers seat and takes over. We can get to know what triggers set us off, what needs and feelings are motivating us. We can even learn how to communicate with that crazy ol’ monkey and help it feel safe again. Self-inquiry and exploration can help us learn to witness ourselves, tolerate and allow for the pain of an ever changing reality. When we can be honest with ourselves and stop fighting the very natural pain of existence, we can give ourselves compassion and true care. We can step out of the fearful, busy, confusing chatter of monkey mind into an open, calm, spacious sense of acceptance. We can finally understand what we really want and need. Getting to know and soothe the monkey allows you to enjoy simply being. And to me, that’s true freedom. So take a moment and consider what your monkey mind is like. What kinds of strategies are you using to avoid, control or ignore the feeling of being out of control? Where are the second arrows of your mind tripping you up- and are you ready for something different?
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