Why Toxic Positivity is NOT the Answer

Manifest your dreams 
Everything happens for a reason 
Good vibes only
Focus on the positive

I see these messages on TikTok and Instagram all the time. And, while these may appear to be positive sentiments, they are anything but helpful. 

This kind of messaging is touted as ‘mental health content’, but I’d argue that this advice alone promotes a kind of toxic positivity— creating shame and fear of naturally occurring feelings– and is a perfect recipe for the kind of suffering we’re trying to minimize.

But what’s wrong with staying positive? 

Not a thing! There are many benefits to positive thinking. We all need a pep talk from time to time and gratitude lists are an empirically proven method for managing anxiety. There are countless studies that show us that positive thinking/parenting/coaching can be super helpful! But there’s a big difference between taking care of yourself with optimism and forcing yourself to “stay positive”.

So where does positivity become toxic?

Let’s start with the obvious: it’s not realistic to be happy all the time. Expecting yourself to be able to maintain an upbeat and productive mindset at all times is an unfair standard- one that you are sure to fail at. After all, painful feelings are a part of life. We can’t change this reality– no matter how much we ignore or deny it.

But toxic positivity will deny this reality and then blame you for not living up to unrealistic standards! Toxic positivity content operates on the assumption that if you aren’t counting your blessings or manifesting your ideal reality, then you’ve somehow blown it. Your hurt or exhaustion is your own fault. As if any feeling that falls outside of “happy” or “grinding” is wrong. 
    
You see, toxic positivity isn’t actually positive. It’s shaming. Instead of creating a healthy relationship with ourselves and our reality, toxic positivity encourages us to regard our feelings from a moralistic perspective: there are right feelings and wrong feelings. And if you are feeling “wrong” feelings, then you have done something bad. 

And this sets you up to enter a self-reinforcing cycle of shame and fear, imbalance and dissatisfaction. Rather than creating a genuine happiness in your life, shame has a tendency to amplify self-loathing, overwhelm and feelings of isolation or worthlessness. Toxic positivity is a tricky one– it shames you into avoiding your feelings and glosses over them with a shiny plastic veneer… which only increases distress! What a vicious cycle. 

But even if you can somehow manage to maintain a non-stop happy mood, this actually is pretty dangerous stuff. Because if you’re using positivity to suppress your negative experiences, you will be missing important information about what your system needs. 

Western culture pathologizes difficult feelings like sorrow or anger and pedestalizes control and domination over our natural world- ourselves included. But the realm of feelings often communicates our deepest and most instinctual needs. Becoming attuned to these instinctual and emotional needs is, in this day and age, a radical act. Despite what pop culture and capitalism would have you believe, you are not a product in need of optimization or perfecting. Subscribing to this mindset will set you up to always fail because its very premise is false. You are a beautiful, complex part of the ecosystem. Not just your material body- but your mind, too. And like nature, some parts of your inner world might be gross or ugly. Pond scum ain’t too nice to look at. But it serves a purpose. So, too, do difficult thoughts and feelings.

Let’s use hunger to illustrate this point. Hunger doesn’t feel good– and most of us don’t enjoy the sensation of hunger. We don’t want to be hungry, but we recognize that hunger is a signal letting us know what we need. If we ignore our body’s messaging and pretend we aren’t feeling hungry, our need for food doesn’t just disappear. In fact, by ignoring the sensation of hunger we are denying ourselves something vital. Clear off the pond scum and the ecosystem gets out of whack. Emotional needs work similarly.

So, consider this: what if the best way to effectively manage your feelings isn’t by suppressing them, staying positive, optimizing? What if your only required task is to listen to yourself with care and kindness?

But how? And how to turn towards difficult feelings without totally flooding yourself? 

Self-compassion practices are a great way to begin developing a loving and regulated relationship to your feelings. Below, you’ll find one of my favorite step-by-step practices for checking in and gently unpacking what a feeling is trying to communicate. Therapy is another healthy place to learn how to listen to your feelings without becoming flooded by them. After all, some of us resort to shaming and self-avoidance because we’re so afraid of the tidal wave that could come if we let just a trickle of feeling in. 

True well being doesn’t come from shaming yourself out of feeling sad or angry. Well being comes when we recognize that you are worthy and valuable, even when you’re not happy or positive. That begins with you and the way you treat yourself when you’re in distress: with cruelty and self-denial or with compassion? Try to remember that you weren’t designed by nature to be constantly happy or positive. So it’s ok- you’re off the hook. You don’t need to just be sunshine. Let it rain once in a while- and remember that it’s trying to tell you something.

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One of my favorite mindfulness-based strategies is the RAIN method, brought to you by the fantastic Dr. Tara Brach. 

Please feel free to reach out and connect with me if you have any inquiries.

RAIN Method
This practice is an acronym that you can call on when you’re feeling distressed and want to return to a sense of safety. Please move through this process gently and with a lot of kindness for yourself. If possible, try to hear these words with the loving voice of self-compassion.

R—Recognize What’s Going On
Recognizing means consciously acknowledging, in any given moment, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are affecting you. This can be a done with a simple mental whisper, noting what you are most aware of.


A—Allow the Experience to be There, Just as It Is
Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations you have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything.
You might recognize fear, and allow by mentally whispering “it’s ok” or “this belongs” or “yes.”
Allowing creates a pause that makes it possible to deepen attention.


I—Investigate with Interest and Care
To investigate, call on your natural curiosity—the desire to know truth—and direct a more focused attention to your present experience.
You might ask yourself: What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing? What does this vulnerable place want from me? What does it most need?
Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualizing and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body.


N—Nurture with Self-Compassion
Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that you recognize you are suffering. It comes into fullness as you intentionally nurture your inner life with self-care.
To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love?
Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you. I’m sorry, and I love you. I love you, and I’m listening. It’s not your fault. Trust in your goodness.
In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek; or by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. If it feels difficult to offer yourself love, bring to mind a loving being—spiritual figure, family member, friend or pet—and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you.


After the RAIN
When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to notice the quality of your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness.
Resource: Guided Meditation – The Practice of RAIN
Copyright © 2020 by Tara Brach, Ph.D.